Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
