The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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