If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
