I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
