Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
