i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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