just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize