While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
