Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
