hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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