Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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