I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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