remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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