so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
