my phone needs a breathalizer
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
