dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I died a long time ago.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
