12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize