the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
