I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it's like iHOP with fire
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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