nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
