My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
