call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
