I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
