my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
