i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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