Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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