How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
