can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
