just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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