I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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