He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize