She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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