Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
