Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
