The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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