I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
