I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
