tell your sister to shave her snatch
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize