I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
