The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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