I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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