I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
