i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
