I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
