I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
