hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize