I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
