Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
