we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
