she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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