I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize