we're blogging at a bar
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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