My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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