in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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