Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
