Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
