I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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