Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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