I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
