I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
