I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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