Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
