Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
