im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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