when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
