WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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