oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
