My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
